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Friday, Dec. 03, 2004 12:02

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The system is down and I find that quite frustrating. It goes down at least once a day. I've even figure out what makes it go down, but since that's so far out of the scope of what I do it doesn't really matter. My opinion = nuts. It's especially frustrating since I have a huge list of things I need to do before 12:30 tomorrow afternoon and I would much rather be doing them than sitting here waiting for some machine to deem me worthy of doing my work. (I guess I could also work on those procedures instead of doing this, but then when would I take my pretend lunch?)

I think this year will call for some New Year's Resolutions. I'm not usually one for making them, since I tend to not care about them by the 15th day of the new year, but this year there are several things that need changing in my life. Hubband used to use this whole business attitude towards his resolutions. He would make a list of "objectives" rather than resolutions. There would be no more than three (because that sets one up for failure) and each would be listed in the form of a positive statement. He would print them up (one year we had the damned thing laminated) and put them on the fridge so he would see them every day. He stopped doing it the year he gave up trying to manage his weight.

This year the three objectives will have to do with 1) Finances, 2) Health, and 3) Career. I need changes in all of these areas.

Our finances are quickly becoming a disaster. If he hadn't just passed away, I would expect Alex Hailey to be writing a book about them, it's that bad. I think we each alternate between blaming ourselves and each other (but we all know whose fault it really is, don't we, Miss I-Hate-My-Job-So-I'm-Just-Going-To-Quit-And-Get-Another-Job-That-Pays-Half-As-Much.?) It's too late to change what's already happened so all we can do is go forward and fix the future. And it is fixable if we start soon. (Although, as usual, I'm deciding I can't worry about it until after the holidays. Denial is not just a river...)

I've bemoaned the state of my current health in this arena before. It should be no surprise that painting the main part of our upper level has left me with more problems than ever. I catch the occasional glimpse of my grandmother as I pass a mirror and that frightens me. I think my knees, ankles, and hips are finally giving under the strain of carrying around this weight for so long and there's this interesting gurgle in my left lung. (It was in my right lung, now it's moved.) I won't even go into the digestive troubles I've been having lately, except to say if they continue I may indeed begin to lose some of the weight.

The career...it's not really the career as much as it is my need to control my career. I am tired of working for people who don't trust and respect me and whom I can't trust or respect in return. It's gotten ugly here to the point we "clerks" have all banded together in our mutual loathing of our authority figures. However, I have to come back to (or make an initial journey to) a place where I can avoid showing my distress at the workplace. I need to also put serious time into finding an alternative positon and go back to school. Even if I have to do it one credit at a time, it's better than just sitting here, waiting for someone else to get me the job of my dreams. It's time I started deciding what I want to be when I grow up.

In other news, Big Boy has turned 21 and it will probably go down in history as one of his saddest birthdays. I told him not to worry, that my 21st birthday sucked immeasurably but my 22nd birthday (involving copius amounts of alcohol, balloons, a clown, presents, flowers, seranading guitarists and a the purchase of a set of negatives to avoid career damage) was much more memorable. He has also let his Dad know that he's seen a counselor (actually for more than one session) and has been instructed that he needs to get to the root of his anger with his mother and figure out a way to resolve this to a point of civility in the very least. (Sounds familiar, no?)

That's what's going on with me, anyway. ( I miss you, too, CT. I'm hoping we can get together during my post holiday break. ) It will be a few days before I can slow down enough to post again, I'm sure. Have a nice weekend.

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