I'm trying to decide if I have it in me to try, yet again, to lose some weight. I'm talking serious effort here. Not just telling myself that pizza is not one of the 5-a-day food groups, but really making an effort to change. I would need to make a plan; devise a rule set. I would need to do it for me and not for him or for them. [sigh] I'm still thinking.

There are two discoveries that make me think "it's now or never" when it comes to change. First, the Husband has made it clear that he thinks I can't do it. I never realized before that he doesn't have faith in my ability to achieve this goal, but he more than said so some weeks back. He said it under the guise that I should focus on my health rather than on my weight, and he was right about that, but the way he said it made me sure he didn't believe I could. He didn't want to see me fail. Again.

The second thing I discovered, or maybe realized is a better word, is that my body will never, never look as good as it did in my twenties (when I didn't appreciate it at all). It will never even look as good as it did in my thirties. I may not even get the muscle tone that I had when I was working out a few years ago (when I did appreciate it, but somehow let it go anyway). If I lose the amount of weight I should to be healthy, my body will not be able to bounce back and I'll end up feeling less "sexy" than I do now. Am I willing to risk that? I know there are surgeries that can take care of excess skin and tighten things up, but I certainly couldn't afford to have them now and there are no guarantees our finances will be any better shape two years from now. Would there, in the end, be any improvement to my self-esteem? Or will I feel worse for having sacrificed?

I'm thinking about making my set of rules be like the 12 steps. Because that's what this is; an addiction. I sit upstairs on the bed, eating, while the Husband sits downstairs at the bar, drinking. We are the same. I cannot look down my nose at him if I'm holding the same gun to my own head. It isn't fair.

In my heart, I know I'm strong enough. I've come through much tougher situations before. The question is this: Do I put my greedy little inner child into time out, or do I go on with my life as it is, knowing the people in my life will love me anyway?

More to follow...