I feel like crap. There are just a couple of days a month where I really hate being a woman. This is day one. Gaughhhh!

Funeral this morning. Mom should be here about 9am. Boy has already had a shower and is marching about the living room in his underwear and tee-shirt. He's eating breakfast and then I'll let him put on his new pants and dress shirt.

I, on the other hand, am still trying to decide if I have enough energy to tackle the pantyhose thing or if they'll just make me more cranky than I already am. Hmmmm. I have this sort of rule about funerals - I always wear a dress. I don't know why this is a rule, it's just one of those self-imposed guidelines of behavior I have. And, since this funeral is being held in a church, it's kind of a double-whammy. (I know, it's odd that a person such as myself, raised without the benefit of religion, should have these little rituals. But there you go.)

I'm trying to psych myself up for a day with my mother. The Nana's been a little needy lately. To tell the truth - it gets a little tiring sometimes. And the fact that she still hasn't applied for her HE loan so she can pay us back the $$ she promised she would pay us back in 30 days...well, I'm peevish about it. Especially since our own checking account is going into the negative as we speak.

I guess I just worry that she's going to start taking us for granted like we always did Grandma. I had to explain to her the other day that this is one of the reasons why Grandma doesn't have any money left!!! We would "can I borrow a thousand for..." her to death and never, ever, ever pay her back. This is a much more complex web of family guilt and bitterness than I have time to go into, let's just say both sides were to blame. But it got to the point where we didn't even pretend we were going to pay her back.

When Hubband and I started going to credit counseling - fearing bankruptcy at any moment - we put her down as one of our creditors. She resisted but I explained that I needed to pay her back at least part of what she'd given me over the years, if only to make myself feel less of a mooch. It was very liberating and the tone of our relationship changed.

Mom's never has. And now I'm afraid that she might think we have the same kind of relaxed finances. We don't. We don't desperately need that money today, but we might tomorrow. It's our backup, rainyday, funday, whatever money and I'm not comfortable with it not being there.

See? I'm just a big bitch when it comes to my hard-earned cash.

I'm so sad about JB leaving work tomorrow. We had fun in the meeting yesterday, razzing her. She was minute taker. I said, "How come JB is writing; 'I don't care. I don't care. I don't care.' over and over again?" Then Boss-Man had composed a list of "Top Ten Reasons Why JB Is Leaving". Too funny! Had us all laughing loudly.

It is not like I'll never see her again. She's definately on our list of party people, and we enjoy them as a couple so I think we'll be okay. It just won't be the same without her positive, sunshiny ways. I fear the negativity will just take over.

"Well, Caribou, why don't you become the sunshiny influence for your group?"

Why don't you just leave me the f%&*k alone? Hmmmm?

Speaking of negative, this entry is getting ugly. I think I need to go start getting ready for this day.

The flylady thing is working well, btw. I don't adhere to all her little anal plans and schedules, but I have found a better balance in my life. Hubband seems happy to have home cooked meals for a change. Last night was leftover night! We actually ate the stuff we had in the fridge instead of throwing it away later! Whoo! I even astounded myself by saying, "Sure!" when Boy asked if his playmate from down the street could stay for dinner. (Needless to say, nothing went to waste.)

But I'm not doing the whole shoe wearing thing. I got a clean and shiney sink. That's enough.