Something broke inside me last night. I'm not sure what happened. Was it him? Was it me? I don't know. I just know I hate it when we fight like that. We haven't done it for years. The night before he had been sitting in the same chair, telling me how much he's in love with me and how he'll always love me, no matter what. The next night he's looking for his keys so he can run away and calling me mean.

But he didn't go. I didn't let him. I made him stay and fight it out. To tell me how he feels because I don't know. I don't know anymore if what I'm saying is right or wrong. I know I feel like the wounded party in these scenarios, but the reputation I've gotten is that of someone 'touchy' or 'prickley'. What is it, CoWorker Friend tells me? I'm "nice in my own way". What does that mean?

And, am I being mean if when one ridicules something of which I'm fond, I get pissy? I don't know. Maybe he's just rendering his opinion, but at what point does it become badgering?

I'm tired from work. One of our favorite employees had his last day today. I'll so miss him. He's part of our "Scooby Gang" at work. I would have loved to be closer to him, but I always shied away. I didn't think I was cool enough to be his friend.

We had lunch in his honor at the fancy-schmancy brew-pub down the road. The place where they charge $8 3/4 for chicken fingers. Granted, they're the best fingers I've ever eaten, but it's still a little pompous. We sat, CoWorker Friend, JB and I, across the table from two of the rowdy party boys from the tech team. They are 21. I had forgotten how young 21 is. One of them was discussing, loudly, the vomit that was drying on the passenger's side of his car door. This was his opening conversation. I probably don't have to tell you how far down hill it went from there.

As usual, CoWorker Friend and I just went with. Slid on down to the gutter with them. At one point I looked down the table and noticed one of the other women looking at me with such distaste. It made me wish I were more sedate. That I could laugh behind my hands quietly like JB. That I was not so baudy and vulgar. But, then, perhaps she was jealous that we were laughing and enjoying ourselves so much. I should think of it that way. I'll sleep better.

I've been grinding my teeth for some weeks now. It's a habit I find quite annoying in others, so when I realized I was doing it I was horrified. It's also painful. And I have a twitch in my left eye. It comes and goes. I've noticed both around the same time. Last night I added a new twist: Woke myself out of a sound sleep by biting down on my own tongue. Ouch.

I feel alternately like I've let my life go and like I've been trying to do too much. I've been trying to please someone who didn't even notice. I've been trying to create rules for myself to avoid facing certain truths.

I hadn't cried in so long, I'd forgotten what it feels like. The feeling that your emotions have bubbled over and can't be held tight any longer. The release and catharsis. I've missed it. And then this morning I awoke with the mother of all sinus headaches and feeling like I had a hangover.

But it was good for us to face it. I put words to my worry. I put substance behind my fears. I asked questions I hadn't been for years. This will help.

I hope.

Tomorrow there will be "Spiderman". We will be seeing a 10:30 am showing to avoid both the crowds and the Little Boy's excitement. We're picking up the new garden swing. We're being together. The weather is supposed to be beautiful...