Yesterday was a busy day. I was at work until well past 7:30, tapping my little fingers on the keyboard and attempting to prove that I am indeed indispensible. It was a busy day, but a good day.

My friend, JB, took me to lunch because she thought I deserved to know I was appreciated. She is so sweet. And when we returned, there was a card on my desk from Co-worker Friend saying simply that I was "treasured". Then Boss-Man explained how he wanted to have the pager this weekend to try and prove that it's not necessary to carry the pager right now. A good day.

I have been neglecting Co-Worker Friend, I think. It is not intentional. She's going through a rough time right now and I really wish I should be there more for her, but I've been a little self-involved lately. (Such a shock.) I'll have to remember to make more of an effort.

Thinking I was going to be on call, I had this weekend completely devoid of any plans. Two big empty squares on the calendar. I'd like it to be about getting my act together. Organizing things to make it easier to do what needs to be done. (How vague can she be.)

I think a lot about my friends and how the closest ones seem lost so much of the time. Yet I have so much in my life exactly the way that I want it. I have Hubband and the boys and family close by who love me and never expect a lot from me. I have a home that I love and feel comfortable in (lack of square footage aside). I have a good job and work with people I not only like but love. I am financially comfortable (right now).

Why, then, do I still seek comfort from outside sources? Why do I still so often feel like the 14-year-old girl trying to fit in?

It's getting better, and it's time to make the committment to figuring out why I punish myself.

I was thinking about a good friend the other night. This friend is struggling to live a dream and holding himself back. It's making him miserable and scared and I hurt for him. It dawned on me suddenly that he holds himself back for the same reason Co-Worker Friend does and I do and so many other people do.

Somehow we don't feel we deserve it.

Well, we do deserve it. No matter what people have told us all our lives, no matter what we've been taught to believe about ourselves: we deserve to be happy. All we need to do is make it so.